Black Diamond Icon LED Headlamp

Dear Hiring Manager,

I would like to apply for the position of Everest Expedition Leader as listed on Craigslist with a post date of 3/16/15. After reviewing the requirements of the position, I feel my background is well-suited to the position.

While I have never lead an expedition of the scope and magnitude entailed in this position, I feel that my experience in other areas more than makes up for this. For the last 10 years, I have led trips comprised of several individuals to the coffee shop on the corner of our block. This has required immense organizational and leadership skill. Group members were required to meet at a designated rendezvous spot outside the building at 10:30 am. They were told to talk with no one on their way out, and if questioned were told to report they had a "client meeting." With only one exception this was carried out without incident.

Other skills I possess that would lend themselves well to this position include my ability to keep my balance whilst walking on the icy sidewalks near my home, the ability to light my cigarette while wearing heavy gloves, and my rope work ability gained through several years of using the rope tow at our local ski hill. (I am skilled in the use of the one-hand in front, one-hand in back technique that I am sure you require.)

Of particular note is my knowledge in the areas of lighting and proper headlamp usage. I currently possess the 320 lumen Black Diamond Icon headlamp, and have mastered the skills necessary to operate its QuadPower LED spotlight, two SinglePower white LEDs and two SinglePower red LEDs. I am also familiar with the power settings that include full strength (in proximity and distance modes), dimming, strobe, red night vision. This has come in particularly handy when using the lowest brightness level to speak directly with other team members and not wanting to blind them. I am also intimately familiar with the Icon's battery power meter.

It's for these reasons I believe you should hire me as your next Everest Expedition Leader. Please contact me as your earliest convenience. I look forward to speaking with you.

Sincerely,

Tim Bulb

ps: references available upon request.

Black Diamond Alpine Carbon Cork Trekking Poles

We understand your class reunion is coming up and you've decided to throw a little pre-party for your old high school buds. They haven't seen you in 10 years, but you've kept in sporadic contact with them, mostly filling them with b.s. stories of your fantastic accomplishments since matriculation. You've really put yourself out there, haven't you? You told the boys that you ran with the bulls in Pamplona. That wasn't quite right was it? Sure you were in Pamplona, but from what we hear, you were getting sloshed on grappa in some quaint little taverna 20 miles away.

Another doozy is that you worked as a deep-sea diver on a treasure-seeking vessel and that you recovered millions in gold coins. C'mon now, you can't even swim, and you won't let the ocean even nibble at your toes since you saw Jaws.

Our favorite of your fabrications is that you climbed Mt. Everest. Uh-huh. Did you take the southeast route from Nepal or northeast route from Tibet? How did you handle the Khumbu Icefall? Yeah, we've all read "Into Thin Air" so you better have your facts straight. 

You may also want to consider having a few props laying around the house to make this fairytale seem plausible. We would suggest some climbing rope, some crampons and perhaps a nice set of hiking poles staged in the corner. We're particularly fond of Black Diamond Alpine Carbon Cork Trekking Poles. If any of the guys are still listening to you by this point, you can explain to them that these poles are made of 100% carbon fiber, so they are super light and strong. You can also tell them that the Black Diamond Alpine Carbon Cork features a premium cork grip and the supremely functional adjustability of dual FlickLock Pro, which makes them efficient and simple to operate even with Everest's 100-mph wind gusts. Finally, make sure to tell them that the poles come outfitted with interchangeable carbide Tech Tips, low-profile Trekking Baskets and Powder Baskets.

We hope you have a great time at your pre-party. We hope your buddies show up too.

Black Diamond Lightsabre Bivy

I have a friend, his name is Smitty. Smitty really likes his bivy.

What's a bivy you may ask?

A bivy is a tent, only smaller by contrast.

Smitty likes to camp all alone. He doesn't even bring a phone.

We ask him why he takes no one, and all he says is, "One is much more fun!"

He has no need for other folks, 'cause then he'd have to share his smokes.

So off he goes all light and giddy, into the woods with his little bivy.

No more rhymes, we promise, okay? Here's the description without further delay. (Sorry...it's just so much fun.)

The Black Diamond Lightsabre is a super-light bivy for the gram-counting minimalist concerned with comfort. The Lightsabre combines the Bibler Tripod Bivy design with ultralight, highly packable EPIC water-repellent, breathable canopy fabric and a waterproof SilNylon floor. Three DAC Featherlite aluminum poles lift the canopy off your sleeping bag and away from your head and feet. The Lightsabre has a large zippered entry with a mesh window above your head and a mini-mesh vent under the foot-box awning to keep the critters out and allow fresh air in. Stuff sack included.

Black Diamond Apollo Lantern

Dear Doctor:
Thanks again for all you’ve been doing to help me with my anger problems. I really think I’m making some good progress as of late. I did want to run something by you though, just to get your take on it since you’re a professional. A buddy of mine recently went camping with his wife to a very remote area of an unnamed forest. (I don’t want to bother you with details.) All the way the wife was bitching (from what he said) about how far it was, whether he packed her the Go Anywhere Privacy Shelter (she can’t stand to go potty outside), and other annoying, grating conversation. So they get to the campsite and my buddy starts to put up the tent. He’s got it all done and staked in, when his wife says, “I don’t want it under that tree. What if it falls?” So he does a little grumbling and moves it. Then the wife says, “It’s too close to the stream. What happens if it floods?” Now my buddy is getting really irate, but he moves it again. Just then the wife says, “It’s too close to the…” But she doesn’t get to finish, because my buddy whacks her in the head with a shovel. So now my buddy has a problem. It’s getting dark out and he’s got to do something with her. But he can’t see anything. What’s the right thing for my buddy do?
Thanks for your advice on this, Doc.
Sincerely,
Vincent
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Dear Vincent,
Thank you for your recent letter. I must say it’s quite disturbing. Your buddy seems to have a very similar anger problem to the one you possess. As to what he should do with her I can’t really advise because I don’t have all the details of her condition (and I’m not really a medical doctor anyway–didn’t have the grades for it, so I doubt I could help her.) But I think I can help him with the issue of darkness. I recommend to all my “camping” patients that they get a Black Diamond Apollo Lantern. The Apollo is a bright, non-glaring, soup-can-sized backcountry lantern that is perfect for any campsite activities. It’s got a 3-watt LED and has a frosted globe which creates a bright, non-glaring light. It also comes with a dimming switch in case you don’t want to let the whole world know what you’re up to out there.
Please ask your friend to give me a call. Perhaps I can help him further. Remember, anything he tells me is strictly confidential (doctor-patient privilege) so he has nothing to fear.
Your doctor,
Dr. Phil Hurrup
p.s. The Black Diamond Apollo uses NRG Rechargeable Batter Kit or 4 AA alkaline batteries. Battery power meter displays charging status and/or existing battery life. Extended height: 9.5″ (240mm). Collapsed height: 5″ (127mm). Diameter: 3″ (75mm). Weight: 220g.

Black Diamond Glidelite Nylon STS Climbing

My friend Bill is an extreme environmentalist. He goes well beyond your average eco-conscious pragmatist. Bill not only separates his recyclables into paper, plastic, and glass, he actually sorts them by color, weight, and of course the little number inside the triangle that no one else understands. Bill once boycotted a grocery store chain because they used only 50% recycled materials in their reusable cloth shopping bags.

So when it came to Bill's passion, back-country skiing, he absolutely refused to use climbing skins, instead using old fashioned nordic wax (of course recycled wax.) Bill's reasoning was made clear by his statement to me, "I will not use anything that's been taken off the back of a poor defenseless seal. Sure, skins make steep climbs easier than wax, but my friends at Save the Seals would never forgive me if I switched." (Bill even said that he doesn't watch nature videos that feature seals because he feels the cameras are invading the seals' privacy.)

I finally pointed out to Bill that they don't make climbing skins out of sealskins anymore. In fact, they now make them out of nylon, which absorbs less water, ices up less, and has better glide than mohair or plastic skins. I went on to tell him that I recommend the Black Diamond Ascension Nylon STS Skins. The Black Diamond Ascension Nylon STS Skins are super-packable, lightweight and durable. They now have improved glide thanks to the redesigned printed plush material. The STS attachment system holds skins firmly in place with a glove-friendly elastomer strap and one-step camming tailpiece for simplicity and security.

Bill felt terrible for going on like that and offered me a free subscription to "Recycle World" magazine. I had to politely decline pointing out that it seemed kind of ironic that "Recycle World" magazine is printed on paper, which is destroying our forests. You could almost see the short-circuit that happened in Bill's brain as he let this information sink in. Bill is currently seeing a therapist for his conflicted conscious.