Vaude Astra 55+10 I Moss Backpack

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Goldilocks. She went for a walk in the forest. Pretty soon, she came upon a house. She knocked and, when no one answered, she walked right in.

At the table in the kitchen, there were three backpacks laying on the table. Goldilocks was hungry for a new backpack, but it had to fit right. She tried on the first backpack.
"This backpack hurts my back!" she exclaimed.

So, tried on the second backpack.

"This backpack hurts my hips!" she said.

So, she tasted, er, tried on the last backpack--a Vaude Astra 55+10.

"Ahhh, this backpack is just right," she said happily and she started putting all her stuff in it--her awesome sleeping bag, a cool camp stove she had "found" earlier, and some bear claws for an afternoon snack. Then she noticed that there was some left over porridge sitting on the table, so she scarfed that up too. (Goldi had some issues.)

By this time she was pretty drowsy, so she laid out on the sofa and used her new Vaude Astra as a headrest. As she was sleeping, three bears came into the house. 

"Someone's been trying on my backpack AND eating my porridge!" growled the Papa bear.

"Someone's been trying on my backpack and eating MY porridge!" said the Mama bear.

"Someone's been trying on my backpack AND eating my porridge AND they're using my backpack for a headrest!" cried the Baby bear.
Just then, Goldilocks woke up and saw the three bears. She screamed, "Holy Sh**!" and dove out the window (but not before putting on her Vaude Astra 55+10 backpack, which by the way cushioned her fall.) Luckily the Vaude Astra was so light, she was able to run really fast and those bears couldn't catch her. A few years later, Goldilocks was arrested for shoplifting a tent. She got two years of probation and a $1000 fine. She's appearing on the next season of Celebrity Rehap--Shoplifting Addiction.

-- THE END --

Black Diamond Glidelite Nylon STS Climbing

My friend Bill is an extreme environmentalist. He goes well beyond your average eco-conscious pragmatist. Bill not only separates his recyclables into paper, plastic, and glass, he actually sorts them by color, weight, and of course the little number inside the triangle that no one else understands. Bill once boycotted a grocery store chain because they used only 50% recycled materials in their reusable cloth shopping bags.

So when it came to Bill's passion, back-country skiing, he absolutely refused to use climbing skins, instead using old fashioned nordic wax (of course recycled wax.) Bill's reasoning was made clear by his statement to me, "I will not use anything that's been taken off the back of a poor defenseless seal. Sure, skins make steep climbs easier than wax, but my friends at Save the Seals would never forgive me if I switched." (Bill even said that he doesn't watch nature videos that feature seals because he feels the cameras are invading the seals' privacy.)

I finally pointed out to Bill that they don't make climbing skins out of sealskins anymore. In fact, they now make them out of nylon, which absorbs less water, ices up less, and has better glide than mohair or plastic skins. I went on to tell him that I recommend the Black Diamond Ascension Nylon STS Skins. The Black Diamond Ascension Nylon STS Skins are super-packable, lightweight and durable. They now have improved glide thanks to the redesigned printed plush material. The STS attachment system holds skins firmly in place with a glove-friendly elastomer strap and one-step camming tailpiece for simplicity and security.

Bill felt terrible for going on like that and offered me a free subscription to "Recycle World" magazine. I had to politely decline pointing out that it seemed kind of ironic that "Recycle World" magazine is printed on paper, which is destroying our forests. You could almost see the short-circuit that happened in Bill's brain as he let this information sink in. Bill is currently seeing a therapist for his conflicted conscious.

Glow Dog Reflective Jacket

When I was younger, we had a dog named Maggie. Mags was a Scottish Terrier. You know…a Scotty. She was a great dog. She loved to fetch and play tug of war. She was a little wary of strangers, but once you got to know her she would be your best friend. (In fact she just wouldn’t leave you alone.)
However, Mags had some faults. She didn’t like little kids. I think that’s because the neighborhood kids would stand just outside the reach of her chain and tease her. Those rotten punks. Bullies is what they were.
Another fault was Maggie’s obsession with anything moving. She liked her bikes, skateboards, rollerblades, and she especially liked her cars. She liked racing ‘em, chasing ‘em, and unfortunately she liked to get underneath the wheels. Yes, you guessed it. My poor little Maggie got run over by a car. You could hardly blame the driver. It was night time and Mags had gotten off the leash. I heard the screech and came running out. Mags was sitting in the middle of the road looking all dazed and confused. She got nailed pretty good. We almost lost her that night, but with a little help from our friends at the emergency vet clinic and a couple thousand dollars she was as good as new.
I’ve learned a lot about this experience. The first is, don’t get a black dog. But if you do, the second thing I’ve learned is to get yourself a Glow Dog Reflective Jacket. This weatherproof, lined jacket provides full-torso coverage, uses secure nylon straps with Velcro® closure. It’s made from polyester and microfiber materials that are Telfon® coated allowing greater breathability and moisture wicking. The lining is soft, durable and non-pilling. During the day the jacket is an attractive color, and at night the oncoming headlights reflect back to the driver who sees the entire item as bright white. This is because the fabric is embedded with millions of tiny mirrors” that reflect back to any light source. How amazing is that?

Life-Link Professional Snow Study Kit

We're sorry to hear that you lost your job. Your parents thought you were crazy when you told them you wanted to be a rodeo clown. But you're a man who follows through on your dreams (and you loved the idea of painting your face.) So you got yourself a pair of baggy britches, changed your name to Slim and headed out west to earn the big bucks. After 20 broken bones and countless hours spent doing the Ostrich Jockey, Devil in My Barrel, and Crazy Ambulance, you were told to hang up your chaps (the cowboys were complaining that you spent too much time inside the clown lounge and not enough time protecting them.)
So you're looking for a new line of work. How about becoming an Avalanche Forecaster? Instead of saving bronco busters, you can now save renegade, avalanche-starting snowboard jockeys. You'll need some whoop-daddy equipment though, so be sure to lasso some quality gear such as the Life-Link Professional Snow Study Kit.
The Life-Link Professional Snow Study Kit is used by snow controllers, backcountry skiers, snowmobilers, mountaineers and avalanche forecasters throughout the world. It includes Two Dial Stem Fahrenheit Thermometers, Slopemeter, Snow Crystal Card, Snow Pit Card, 25x Magnifier and an organizer to hold it all.
It'll be so dope to bust out the "I'm an AF" at parties. After they ask, "What's an AF?" you can go into detail ad nauseum. And the Arctic Cougars will really dig you.

Bota Bag

OK, so we've all known that guy that goes to the ballgame and 10 minutes into it, he reaches inside his coat and voila, he pulls out his wineskin thingamabob filled with a sweet elixer of unknown origin. He takes a swig of it and hands it to you with the universal gesture for "take a swig." If somebody at work handed you their coffee cup and said take a swig, you'd look at them like they were crazy. But in the carefree, anything goes confines of a football stadium you throw caution to the wind and level that calfskin-coated grail to your lips. The 90-proof grog immediately infuses your body with a warming goodness. Your buddy now gestures you to give it back. But you've fallen head-over-heels in love with this pleasure-giver and refuse its return. And as happens so often in these situations, the punches start flying and you end up in the holding tank beneath the stadium for the rest of the game. Is that how you want things to go? Hell no! You deserve better. That's why you need to get your own wineskin! The Bota Bag is the perfect choice. From Bota of Boulder, this classic design will last you a lifetime. It's a one-liter bag constructed with high-grade U.S.A. neoprene. It also floats when full and is an excellent insulator. Not that what you're drinking needs insulation, hehe. BTW, the purchaser, should that be you, agrees to hold-harmless BigFire Camping Gear for any legal action taken against the purchaser after using the Bota Bag. You're a grown-up after all.