Leatherman Skeletool Multitool

I just finished watching the classic horror film, "The Hollow." Okay, it's not such a classic. Actually it's pretty bad and filled with washed-up actors. Oh, I'm sorry, did I offend you Judge Reinholdt fans? Mr. Fast Times played the hero's father, an angry football coach. I feel sorry for Judge having to resort to taking bit parts in third rate slasher flicks, but a man's gotta eat.

Let's count the cliches, shall we? Popular high school cheerleader is inexplicably attracted to Loner, nerd geek boy. Jealous football player ex-boyfriend threatens to pound his brains in. Old geezer janitor warns boy to stay away from the graveyard. Boy finally believes the stories when he's attacked by headless horseman. Oh, did I forget to tell you? This academy-award winner is about the modern day decendent of Ichabod Crane, the poor fella in Sleepy Hollow. Hey, it's hard to come up with new ideas for horror movies!

My favorite scene is where Boy makes cheerleader girlfriend hide in a boarded-up shack in the middle of the graveyard. Yeah, what a good idea! No need to check whether there are any dead bodies in there. (ah, yes, there are.) Cheerleader realizes this after she's locked herself in and has used her super-human cheerleader strength to tear the door knob off. She proceeds to scream and yell for help. What she really could have used is a Leatherman Skeletool Multitool. She could have used its universal bit driver locking blade to reattach the door knob. Or she could have used the wire cutters to cut through the chicken wire covering the windows. I didn't actually see any chicken wire, but I just KNOW its there. Or she could have used the good ol' stainless steel blade to take care of her Loner, Nerd Boyfriend when he comes back for her.

The only problem with this movie was that almost all the stars lived. What kind of horror movie is that? I give "The Hollow" 1 star, and that's only because during the commercial breaks of the football game I had something to watch. I highly recommend this movie, er, multitool.

Garmin Colorado 300 Personal Navigator

Trip to Sunny Lake

A Travelogue by Alex Smith

Day 1 - 6:30 am: What a glorious morning! An absolutely perfect day to go camping. I am so stoked! For the record, it's going to be me, my girlfriend Freda, our friend Mike and his son Luke. Our plan is to is drive to the Sunny Lake Wilderness Area, unload our gear and hike the 10 miles into Sunny Lake. Everyone is in good spirits.

Day 1 - 8:30 am: Made it to Sunny Lake Wilderness Area. It took a little longer than expected due to a minor delay. As we were driving, Freda swore that a small rodent of some kind--she thinks an opossum--ran in front of our car. She was sure we hit it, so we pulled over and inspected the front of the vehicle. As no animal was found, Freda began to search the tall grass along the road for the injured creature. After no such road kill was found, we resumed our trip. And we're here! Let's get going!

Day 1 - 10:30 am: Halfway to Sunny Lake! Getting this far took longer than expected, since Mike and Freda had to keep switching off helping me portage the canoe. (I really wish I had gone with the Kevlar model.) Luke was no help at all even though he was perfectly capable. I don't know why Mike puts up with that attitude. Freda humming the theme to "Deliverance" is also starting to grate on me just a tad. But no worry...in just a short while we'll be at beautiful Sunny Lake!

Day 1 - 12:30 pm: We should be there by now, but it started to rain about an hour ago and everyone just HAD to get their rain gear on. What's the big friggin' deal about a little rain? And Luke is such a whiner - "I'm cold!" "I'm wet!" "I'm hungry!" I don't think he's got the camping bug yet. We'll get him turned around as soon as he sees how great Sunny Lake is!

Day 1 - 2:15 pm: We must have taken a wrong turn a while back because I can't see Sunny Lake anywhere. Mike was SO adamant about taking that left fork a few miles ago. I told him the path clearly went to the right, but no, Mike ALWAYS has to have his way. I sure hate the fact that he's so selfish. He must drive his wife mad. I'm glad Freda isn't like that. Now Luke is just sitting on the ground listening to his I-pod. What a little Sh**. I'm sure we're not more than a half-mile to Sunny Lake. I can feel it!

Day 1 - 3:45 pm: We've retraced our steps but can't seem to find where the fork in the path was. Freda is complaining that she wants to give up and go home. I KNEW she didn't like camping! What a fraud her Facebook profile was with all that "I really love camping" stuff. Yeah, camping in her bedroom eating bon-bons! I little exercise wouldn't hurt that XL ass of hers either. Mike says his shoulders are getting tired from carrying the canoe. He suggests we leave it and come back for it tomorrow. Yeah right! I'm not leaving my $2500 canoe out here for any numskull to take!

Day 1 - 4:15 pm: Mike, Luke and Freda are all headed back to the car. A bunch of jerks if you ask me! All I wanted to do was show them how GREAT camping is, and how beautiful Sunny Lake is at dusk. That's just fine. I DO NOT NEED THEM AT ALL! The joke is on them though. I've got the keys to the car!

Day 1 - 6:50 pm: Not quite sure where I am. It's getting pretty dark out though and this damn canoe is so friggin' heavy. WHY DID I BRING A CANOE? I've decided to leave the canoe here and come back for it later after I've set up camp at Sunny Lake.

Day 1 - 8:30 pm: It's pitch black out here. My headlamp batteries are dead. It's been pouring rain for 2 hours. The trail I've been following seems to have dead-ended. Where's that F***ing lake? Why didn't I buy that Garmin Colorado 300 Personal Navigator like Freda had suggested? I'd be out of this jam already. That thing has got everything--color screen, high-sensitivity receiver, barometric altimeter, electronic compass. I could have set 50 routes, 1000 waypoints and 20 tracks! I AM SO STUPID! I am definitely buying that if I ever get out of this mess!

Day 2 - 6:30 am: I had a miserable night last night. Tried to set up the tent but lost the poles in the darkness. Ended up just throwing it over me and sitting down. Woke up in a deep puddle with leaches all over me and a rash from something else. It's all Mike's fault. What a horrible friend. I miss Freda. She was the best thing I ever had.

Hang on...I hear voices...

It's Freda! I'm SAVED!

Day 2 - 6:35 am: This is Freda. Alex is an idiot. After I get him out of here with my Garmin Colorado 300 Personal Navigator, I'm breaking up with him. And what's with this stupid travelogue?

Black Diamond Lightsabre Bivy

I have a friend, his name is Smitty. Smitty really likes his bivy.

What's a bivy you may ask?

A bivy is a tent, only smaller by contrast.

Smitty likes to camp all alone. He doesn't even bring a phone.

We ask him why he takes no one, and all he says is, "One is much more fun!"

He has no need for other folks, 'cause then he'd have to share his smokes.

So off he goes all light and giddy, into the woods with his little bivy.


No more rhymes, we promise, okay? Here's the description without further delay. (Sorry...it's just so much fun.)

The Black Diamond Lightsabre is a super-light bivy for the gram-counting minimalist concerned with comfort. The Lightsabre combines the Bibler Tripod Bivy design with ultralight, highly packable EPIC water-repellent, breathable canopy fabric and a waterproof SilNylon floor. Three DAC Featherlite aluminum poles lift the canopy off your sleeping bag and away from your head and feet. The Lightsabre has a large zippered entry with a mesh window above your head and a mini-mesh vent under the foot-box awning to keep the critters out and allow fresh air in. Stuff sack included. Visit www.bigfirecampinggear.com for more details.

Thinksport Bottles

I'll admit. I drink a lot of water. Did you know that you're supposed to get 8 - 8 oz. glasses of water a day? I'm not exactly sure what happens if you don't, but it probably has something to do with proper bladder function. Or perhaps you turn into a raisin. But let's face it, with all the sweet, sugary drinks out there, plain water is kind of...plain. In my amped up, thrill-driven, kinetic life, good ol' H2O just won't fly. So I have developed an affinity for the new flavored waters. I'll try any of the new flavors -- berry, kiwi, watermelon, even pineapple.

So when I heard about some new flavors coming out I was stoked. However, I had to admit I never heard of these new flavors -- with names like BPA, Phthalates, Cadmium, PVC, and Lead. These didn't sound too appetizing. So I got on a little thing we call the Internet and did me some searching around. Turns out these aren't flavors at all! These are just some wonderful added ingredients that come with drinking bottled water that comes in polycarbonate-based bottles. And it turns out they're not too good for you. Well, unless you like irreversible neurological damage, birth defects, cancer, or pulmonary emphysema. I'm trying to avoid these things myself.

So imagine my delight when I chanced into finding these cool Thinksport Bottles. They are free of all the aforementioned nasties and are instead made from stainless steel. Nothing wrong with stainless steel as far as I know. If it's good enough for surgeons it's good enough for me. The Thinksport bottles are double walled and vacuum sealed to keep your liquids (read: flavored water) cold or hot without sweating. (Never let your bottle sweat.) AND it comes with a drinking spout and internal screen to hold in ice or tea leaves while drinking. So kind of those folks to think of that.

Pocket Chainsaw

Finally! A saw you can fit in your pocket! We have been waiting for years for this invention. A little background. I come from a logging family. For 5 generations my family has made their living by cutting logs and hauling them out of the forest. Are you familiar with Easter Island? Yeah, my family took care of that. Before we got there, it was a tall forest of Douglas Fir. But how is anybody going to see monolithic statues when they're surrounded by trees? Want an example more close to home? How about Mt. Rushmore. Believe it or not, Mt. Rushmore was covered with Christmas trees. Poor Abe Lincoln looked like he was spiking his hair. They called us in to take care of that.

So suffice to say, we know what we're talking about when it comes to saws. In fact, we've tried to invent a pocket saw ourselves, but with horrible outcomes. My great-grandfather Boyd almost lost the family jewels after his spring-loaded pocket saw uncoiled in mid-step. So, while we're a little sad that we didn't come up with this unique design, we're glad someone did.

This Pocket Chainsaw is made of high strength, heat-treated steel and it's coated for rust resistance. It'll fit in your shirt pocket, pants pocket, coat pocket, hot pocket, or any other pocket you can find. Ah, Hot Pockets...couldn't you go for one of those right now? Me too. Check out Jim Gaffigan's take on Hot Pockets here. The saw is 28" long and weighs in at only 6oz. Heck, that's like saying it floats on air! What's more, it has 124 Bi-directional teeth. See ya later, Alligator! There's a new sherriff in town! And best of all, it can be used by one or two persons. Make a new friend by inviting them to saw wood with you. You may get slapped a few times as they infer that this means something else, but it will be worth it when you find a true friend. Get your Pocket Chainsaw here at www.bigfirecampinggear.com

Red Ledge Acadia Rainsuit for Kids

Congratulations, Timmy Johnson!

You have been selected as a George Washington Elementary Crossing Guard! You will be given an official orange vest and large ” School” flag to be used in the process of performing your duties. Duties include securely escorting other children to George Washington Elementary. You will have to purchase an official Red Ledge Acadia Rainsuit for use during inclement weather. (Inclement weather means when it’s raining or snowing.) You may purchase this at our official supplier, BigFire Camping Gear, www.bigfirecampinggear.com.

If you continue in this position until the end of the year, you are eligible to win a trip to our National office in Washington DC! Here you will join with other Crossing Guards to view all the wonderful monuments and sites that the Capitol City has to offer. And just think, you’ll get to hold this over your brother for your entire life!

Congratulations, Timmy, on being awarded this prestigious position. We hope you’ll do your best. See you in Washington!

Sincerely,

Mr. Donald Smith
National School Crossing Guard Foundation (NSCGF)

Black Diamond Apollo Lantern

Dear Doctor:

Thanks again for all you’ve been doing to help me with my anger problems. I really think I’m making some good progress as of late. I did want to run something by you though, just to get your take on it since you’re a professional. A buddy of mine recently went camping with his wife to a very remote area of an unnamed forest. (I don’t want to bother you with details.) All the way the wife was bitching (from what he said) about how far it was, whether he packed her the Travel John Privacy Tent (she can’t stand to go potty outside), and other annoying, grating conversation. So they get to the campsite and my buddy starts to put up the tent. He’s got it all done and staked in, when his wife says, “I don’t want it under that tree. What if it falls?” So he does a little grumbling and moves it. Then the wife says, “It’s too close to the stream. What happens if it floods?” Now my buddy is getting really irate, but he moves it again. Just then the wife says, “It’s too close to the…” But she doesn’t get to finish, because my buddy whacks her in the head with a shovel. So now my buddy has a problem. It’s getting dark out and he’s got to do something with her. But he can’t see anything. What’s the right thing for my buddy do?

Thanks for your advice on this, Doc.

Sincerely,

Vincent

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Dear Vincent,

Thank you for your recent letter. I must say it’s quite disturbing. Your buddy seems to have a very similar anger problem to the one you possess. As to what he should do with her I can’t really advise because I don’t have all the details of her condition (and I’m not really a medical doctor anyway–didn’t have the grades for it, so I doubt I could help her.) But I think I can help him with the issue of darkness. I recommend to all my “camping” patients that they get a Black Diamond Apollo Lantern. The Apollo is a bright, non-glaring, soup-can-sized backcountry lantern that is perfect for any campsite activities. It’s got a 3-watt LED and has a frosted globe which creates a bright, non-glaring light. It also comes with a dimming switch in case you don’t want to let the whole world know what you’re up to out there.

Please ask your friend to give me a call. Perhaps I can help him further. Remember, anything he tells me is strictly confidential (doctor-patient privilege) so he has nothing to fear.

Your doctor,

Dr. Phil Hurrup

p.s. The Black Diamond Apollo uses NRG Rechargeable Batter Kit or 4 AA alkaline batteries. Battery power meter displays charging status and/or existing battery life. Extended height: 9.5″ (240mm). Collapsed height: 5″ (127mm). Diameter: 3″ (75mm). Weight: 220g.